50 Real Housewives Taglines

1.     “I didn’t get a new heart just to let you break it.”

2.     “You mess with my family, you mess with this mess. *swig”

3.     “I keep my Fendis close, and my Fendimies closer.”

4.     “Make Greater Dayton great again.”

5.     “There’s more to me than just what you saw on the ice.”

6.      “It’s not my fault I’m tall.”

7.     “Stick with me and I’ll show you what’s Montreal and what’s Montfake.”

8.     “I don’t keep treasure buried, and I don’t keep secrets buried either.”

9.     “I’ll show them what yoga can really do.”

10.  “I’m a CPA, M.Div, HBIC – do I have to spell it out for you?”

11.  “Quarterback? Nickelback? It’s all cash to me, baby!”

12.  “I’m a high-maintenance medium with low expectations of you.”

13.  “All I trust is family, God, and the Heart of the Cards.”

14.  “Don’t make me get down there.”

15.  “My advice?”

16.  “Yes, it is I, Kyla Pratt.”

17.  “Meditation. Meditation. Meditation.”

18.  “I read The Scarlet Pimpernel, reading you will be easy. Or was it Redwall?”

19.  “Don’t tell me I’ve lost my glasses again!”

20.  “It’s one, two, three strikes, you’re mine.”

21.  “Love me or hate me, I’m still your lawyer.”

22.  “They call me the Cloud. I’ve got data on everyone, and I’m lots of shapes.”

23.  “Let’s just say some passwords in this town could’ve used some special characters.”

24.  “I’m sort of like the therapist around here. People come to me for answers and I really just have more questions.”

25.  “I’m not in space anymore girls.”

26.  “If you’ve got a problem with cheer, then you’ve got a problem with me.”

27.  “I spent my life milking snakes. You think I’m afraid of some drama.”

28.  “I’m not afraid to say what I can hear everyone thinking.”

29.  “Clearing my name will be easy. But these heels?”

30.  “It’s not all The Good Wife and Uncle Buck. Let me show you my Chicago.”

31.  “Hahahahahhahahahahahhaha. YUP!”

32.  “God. Family. Anime. Everything else is just noise.”

33.  “Crazy! Crazy they called me! But they still called me.”

34.   “Ossetian raids didn’t strip my family of its noble title, but the Reno nightlife might.”

35.  “Jesus doesn’t like lazy looks.”

36.  “C’est qui la? C’est moi! ¡Besos!"

37.  “She’s lying. I’m Kyla Pratt.”

38.  “I run a pet store, not a petty store, so don’t bark up this tree.”

39.  “It’s not who you know, but how you know them, and I met everyone in detention.”

40.  “Land ho! Here comes the Slayflower.”  

41.  “This just in – my opinion is mine again!”

42.  “Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Where I live, no one knows.”

43.   “I’ve read all the books. I’ve studied every move. Now I’m ready for - WHAT WAS THAT?!”

44.  “Oh they tried it all right. Once.”

45.  “In the name of the father, the son, and the cute cousin if they got one.”

46.  “Honey, you’re in my web now.”

47.  “Set me up to get tickled, you’re setting yourself up to get arrested.”

48.  “I’m too old for games. Maybe just the hoop and stick thing. Just once though.”

49.  “They got Keno here?”

50.  “Forgive? Fine. Forget? Who do I look like, Kyla Pratt?”

Handmaid's Tale

- Did you hear about m’lady?

- No, what?

- She is with child!

- No! By whom?

- Let’s just say it rhymes with the Shmuke of Blessex.

- But he’s dead! I knew she was a witch.

- Sorry, Arch-shmuke of Blessex. She is a witch, though.

- Well of course. Hairlines like that don’t come from our Lord.

- How is y’lady?

- Not without her own troubles.

- Allow me to guess. Her husband and her handmaid Catherine?

- How did you know? Are you a witch too?!

- Oh I beg of thee. Catherine? More like Mouthmaid.

- Can you blame her? Have you seen the Arch-shmuke?

- Indeed. More power to her, I say.

- Speaking of, if you are a witch, you can tell me because, well, *wink*

Chin Up

Dear Brian,

Congratulations are in order! You may not realize it yet, but being nominated for an Oscar is a tremendous accomplishment. It's something many people work their whole lives toward and never achieve. You should be proud! I just wanted to say - Best Supporting Actor nominee to Best Supporting Actor nominee - that there's stiff competition this year, and that even if you don't win, you must promise me you will keep acting. Heck, I've never won and I'm 73! You're only 12 years old; you've time aplenty. And a kernel of advice, when you truly commit to the Craft, awards cease to matter. So have fun tonight! - Dean

 - P.S. Don't tell my agent, but I'm rooting for you!

Dear Brian,

It's your friend Dean here. How exciting to be nominated in the best actor category! And coming off last year's big win! I'm so pleased to be sharing nominations a second year in a row. As I imagine you're discovering, 13 is a rough age, and I would be remiss if I didn't warn you that things change. Childhood is full of miracles; things seem to aways go your way. Teenhood? Not so, I'm afraid. There are setbacks. This transition is frightening, but I would hate to see things like that stop you! If I let little setbacks stop me then I would have never made it this far. The Spirit of Acting – she is a capricious and passionate lover! So onwards and upwards, no matter the outcome. - Dean

Dear Brian,

My boy! Mr. 2 for 2! You've done it again! Do you know how few people have ever been nominated for Best Supporting Actor and Best Actor in the same year? Bravo! You certainly have Best Actor. I admit I was surprised that you, at only 14, were chosen as our generation's Eli Whitney. I would have guessed they might have gone, I don't know, older. But, as always, you were exquisite. Now for Best Supporting, I'm afraid politics might come into play. You see, as I am retiring from acting, it is likely the voters give me a consolation – A “bon voyage” present, if you will. I wish weren't so. How coddled I feel! But alas, they assume it must mean a great deal to me. Pish! They must not know what we know about awards. - Dean

Dear Brian,

Hope to see you tonight at the ceremony. I assure you the night is more tolerable once you are of the age to drink – assuming you will be back. We just never know! Did you hear I am to be given an Honorary Oscar this year? I think it is a fitting end, don't you? - Do keep in touch, Dean

P.S. Where does a 16-year-old learn Antebellum dress so well to be nominated for costume design?      

Brian,

I've been felled by guilt since my last letter. I realized only after I sent it that I was throwing my Honorary Oscar in your face when, in all likelihood, you'll never receive an Honorary Oscar. So callous of me! The price of one's accomplishments inflating the head. I brim with remorse. I hope you'll remember, though, that awards don't matter. - Please forgive me, Dean

Voyeur

- Mr. President we’ve established the secret live feed of Premier Yukitev’s office.

- My God.

- I know, sir.

- He looks fantastic.

- Excuse me?

- That man can wear a suit.

- That man kidnapped your wife.

- Looks like she’s out of my league now.

- Do you have any idea how many men died to establish this live feed?

- I would kill as many for those shoes.

- Mr. President you are out of your mind.

- I’d kill you for starters.

- Mr. President this is not an appropriate use for this technology.

- Madame Secretary, that is not an appropriate skirt for your skin tone.

- You said I looked good in purple.

- Periwinkle is hardly purple and you are hardly a summer.

- Sir! the First Lady!

- You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Madame Secretary, will we get her back?

- Trust me, Penny will be singing for the environment in no time.

- Thank god. And Madame Secretary, tell me the truth, don’t try to protect me. Do I look fat?

- You look like an idiot.

- Like a fat idiot?